Folks! Friends! Fellow humans living on this nice crispy earth!
The year is 2023. The global is warming, the 1 are %ing and things are looking iffy… Enter the Soft Apocalypse! It’s time for us to give capitalism the finger, and return to our humble roots as a pastoral society that bakes bread and sings Kumbaya way too often. AKA my escapist daydream when the Stresses of Life get a bit too much (my Soft Apocalypse plan includes joining a commune and ✨forming an emotional attachment with the local worm population✨).
Welcome to Soft Apocalypse for Beginners, where we will be embarking on a journey of Learning to Look After Ourselves Even if the World is Ending (and saving the bees while we’re at it)!
Baking bread is one of the fundaments of thriving in the pastoral fantasy that is our soft apocalypse (it’s a fact that sunsets are more beautiful with baked goods in hand), so today we’re having a look at a few basic Bread-y recipes!
Pro Tip: Put on a timer when baking stuff. For the love of emergency services, please and thank you.
The Sweet
Nothing says ‘cottagecore’ like a hearty loaf of banana bread, and it’s ideal if you’re anything like me (aka chief of forgetting to eat my bananas then hoarding them in the freezer when they go brown). This recipe is adapted from Chelsea Sugar’s banana bread recipe. Shout out to Chelsea x
- Preheat your oven to 18o°C bake.
- Pop 125g Nuttelex Buttery Spread (söftened) in a bowl with 1 cup of brown sugar. Beat it with measured violence in your heart, then add in either 2 flaxseed eggs (or similar substitute) and mix.
- Sift and stir in 2 cups of white flour, 1tsp of baking powder, 1tsp of ground cinnamon, and 1tsp of baking soda (tsp = teaspoon, for those Not In The Know). Mix in 1 cup of soy milk.
- Mash 3 ripe/overripe bananas and add, then roughly chop up 1/3 cup of walnuts (optional) and add. Mix ’em all together, then pop the mixture into a loaf-shaped tin lined with baking paper.
- Bake for an hour (or until a skewer skewered through the middle comes out clean). Leave in the tin for a further ten minutes, and hey presto you have a Loaf!
The Savoury
Continuing on with our slow-burn pizza making journey (check out tips for growing your pizza toppings here)! If you’re feeling brave, you can even do the neat ‘spinning the dough above your head like a pro’ thing – just remember to watch out for ceiling fans. Love and two kisses to Nadia Lim because this recipe is a 100% knock-off of hers xx
- Stir 1tsp of sugar in 1¾ cups of warm water until the sugar is mostly dissolved. Stir in 4tsps of yeast and set aside for 5-10 minutes until foamy.
- Thoroughly mix in 1tsp of salt and 4 cups of flour, then transfer to a clean surface sprinkled with flour and knead the dough for 5-8 minutes (until you can poke the dough with your finger and the indentation springs back quite nicely). Feel free to add a little more flour if your dough is too sticky.
- Lightly oil a large bowl (no more than 2tbsp (tbsp = tablespoon, for those Not In The Know) of olive oil should do). Place the dough in the bowl, turning once so it’s lightly covered with oil. Cover the bowl with a damp, clean(!) tea towel, and leave in a warm place for just under an hour.
- Remove the freshly puffy dough, and knead for another 2-3 minutes, then cut the dough into four even pieces and shape into pizza bases! Top with your favourite pizza toppings (Pineapple on Pizza for President 2023), and bake in an oven at 200°C for 10-15 minutes.
The Basic
Where would we be without the humble loaf of sliced white bread (slicing not included, terms and conditions may apply)? What would the millennials have their avocados on? What would we make fairybread with? Truly disturbing to consider. Luckily! We don’t have to! And here’s how to make your very own! (Blessings be to Gather for Bread, from whom I stole this recipe x).
- Stir 1tbsp of sugar and 1tbsp salt in 2 cups of warm water until mostly dissolved. Stir in 1tbsp of yeast and set aside for 5-10 minutes until foamy.
- Mix in 5-6 cups of flour, until the mixture is clumped and doughy, then turn out onto a clean, floured surface.
- Knead your dough for five minutes or so, sprinkling flour as needed to prevent sticking, until the mixture springs back slightly when poked. (Avoid adding too much flour or over-kneading as this will toughen the dough.)
- Lightly oil a large bowl (no more than 2tbsp of olive oil should do). Knead the dough for another couple of minutes, then place in the bowl, turning once so it’s lightly covered with oil. Cover the bowl with a damp, clean(!) tea towel, and leave in a warm place for 1-2 hours. During this time, the dough should double in size.
- Once the dough has risen, briefly knead out any air bubbles, then cut the dough in half and shape into two oval loafs. Place them on baking tray dusted with flour, and lightly slash the tops of the loaves three times on a diagonal, then brush them with cold water.
- Bake the loaves in a preheated oven at 200°C for 35-45 minutes, until the loaves are a tasty golden-brown colour, and sound hollow when tapped. Very good with soup, five stars.
Fitwaffle’s baking it easy : all my best 3-ingredient recipes and most-loved cakes and desserts / Head, Eloise
” I’m Eloise, known online as Fitwaffle, and welcome to my first book! […] Find fifty 3-ingredient recipes, including my crowd-pleasing Cookies and Cream Cake and delicious Chocolate Caramel Fudge, plus all of your favourite 4- and 5-ingredient recipes including Speculoos Ice Cream and a cinnamon roll made in a mug!” (Adapted from Catalogue)
A wizard’s guide to defensive baking / Kingfisher, T
“Fourteen-year-old Mona isn’t like the wizards charged with defending the city. She can’t control lightning or speak to water. Her familiar is a sourdough starter and her magic only works on bread. She has a comfortable life in her aunt’s bakery making gingerbread men dance. But Mona’s life is turned upside down when she finds a dead body on the bakery floor. An assassin is stalking the streets of Mona’s city, preying on magic folk, and it appears that Mona is his next target. ” (Adapted from Catalogue)
The heartbreak bakery / Capetta, A. R.
“Teenage baker Syd sends ripples of heartbreak through Austin’s queer community when a batch of post-being-dumped brownies turns out to be magical–and makes everyone who eats them break up. ” (Catalogue)
The bread bible / Beranbaum, Rose Levy
“Winner of the Gourmand World Cookbook Award, Best Bread Book” (Catalogue)
How baking works / Morton, James
“Whether you want light cakes, squidgy brownies, perfect pastry, stress-free macarons or mountainous meringues, this book features a mini-masterclass for each one.” (Catalogue)
A taste for love / Yen, Jennifer
“Smart, kind, and pretty, Liza Yang dreams big and never shies away from a challenge. But her mom compares her to older sister Jeannie, and sees Liza as stubborn, rebellious, and determined to push back against all of Mrs. Yang’s traditional values, especially when it comes to dating. The one thing they agree on is their love of baking. Mrs. Yang is the owner of Houston’s popular Yin & Yang Bakery. Liza agrees to help out at the bakery’s annual junior competition, but discovers there’s a catch: all of the contestants are young Asian American men her mother has handpicked for Liza to date. Grudgingly attracted to stoic, annoyingly hot James Wong, Liza begins to realize there’s no tried and true recipe for love.” (Catalogue)
Bread : from ciabatta to rye / Collister, Linda
“A delicious journey around the great breads of the world – required reading for all home bakers, whatever their level of experience.” (Catalogue)
The little book of vegan bakes / Jade, Holly
“Recipes range from the simple (Chocolate Orange Fridge Fudge, Cookies and Cream Cupcakes and Peanut Butter Flapjacks) to the more ambitious (Honeycomb Doughnuts, Cherry Bakewell Tartlets and No-bake Biscoff Cheesecake) making this a book for anyone and any ability.” (Adapted from Catalogue)
The great British bake off : how to bake : the perfect Victoria sponge and other baking secrets / Collister, Linda
“Twelve new amateur bakers are ready to rise to the Great British Bake Off challenge. While they don their aprons, adjust to their new ovens, and get used to baking in a tent, this book takes you through the challenges from the series and shows you how to achieve baking perfection.” (Adapted from Catalogue)
Breadsong : how baking changed our lives / Tait, Kitty
“‘If you had told me at 14 when I couldn’t even get out of bed with depression and anxiety that three years later I would have written a book I would never have believed you. But here it is – the story of the Orange Bakery. How I went from bed to bread and how my Dad went from being a teacher to a baker. ” — Publisher’s description.” (Adapted from Catalogue)
Baking with Kim-Joy : cute and creative bakes to make you smile / Kim-Joy
“If you’ve ever wanted to know how to bring your baking to life, Kim-Joy will show you how in this fun and practical book. […] Recipes include step-by-step photography and adorable illustrations accompanied by little messages of positivity throughout.” (Adapted from Catalogue)
Batter royale / Adams, Leisl
“In this fun graphic novel, a talented young chef is selected to participate in a baking reality show and finds herself mixed up in spicy competition, bitter rivalry, and sweet romance.” –author’s website.” (Catalogue)
Bread therapy : the mindful art of baking bread / Beaumont, Pauline
“Therapy is a love letter to the art of making real bread. […] It celebrates bread making as a way of understanding ourselves better, learning important life lessons and making positive changes to our mental and physical wellbeing. It features eight simple bread recipes to get you started on your bread-making journey.” (Adapted from Catalogue)
The vegan cake bible : the definitive guide to baking, building and decorating spectacular vegan cakes / Kidd, Sara
“With step-by-step tutorials for frosting and decorating, mix and match ideas, and recipes for gluten-free cakes that actually work, Sara teaches you the ingredients, tools, and tips to master the art of vegan baking”– Provided by publisher.” (Adapted from Catalogue)
Honey and jam : seasonal baking from my kitchen in the montains / Queen, Hannah
“Featuring Queen’s rich photography throughout, Honey and Jam not only showcases a collection of rustic desserts, but also captures the sprawling forests and farmlands of Blue Ridge, anchoring each recipe in the backdrop of the Southern Appalachian Mountains.” (Adapted from Catalogue)
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