Guest Post: Holding the Heavy Stuff

Ben Sedley is a clinical psychologist, author, and speaker dedicated to making mental health support more compassionate and accessible through books, workshops, and conversations. This piece from his latest book has been reproduced with his permission.

Holding the Heavy Stuff

There are lots of external things that cause pain and weigh us down. Awful things like wars, environmental disasters, prejudice, violence, viruses, health crises and poverty.

And then some pain is internal - mean thoughts, uncomfortable emotions, graphic images, loud urges, heartbreaking memories. But having internal pain is not the problem; it’s part of being human.

How we respond to internal pain can be the problem. Our response changes how much the pain hurts us. Our response determines how much control the pain has over us and either constricts us or energises us to move towards the life that matters to us.

Paradoxically, the more we try to fight internal pain, the more we have it.

Instead of struggling against it, I want to share with you a different approach.

We'll look at ways to hold the heavy stuff and carry it with us as we go where we want to go.

First, we'll look at what I mean by the heavy stuff, with examples of different struggles that people face. Then we'll notice things that make the heavy stuff heavier. Our responses to our pain and our understandable dislike of being in pain often lead us to do things that inadvertently increase how stuck we feel and how much it hurts.

Instead, we're going to hold the heavy stuff with presence, one breath at a time.

We'll learn to hold the heavy stuff with compassion, observing the power of love and a caring internal voice. We'll hold the heavy stuff with curiosity, taking a step back from our thoughts and feelings to see them as they really are, rather than what they tell us they are. This will allow us to hold the heavy stuff with purpose, deliberately choosing to move in the directions that we care about.

Finally, we'll hold the heavy stuff with support, identifying other people and things who can help as we go on our path.

As you'll see in the examples coming up, Holding the Heavy Stuff is for anyone who has struggled with self-doubts or mean thoughts about themselves and then found it difficult to move their life forward.

It is for people who feel overwhelmed or consumed by worries about the future, or find themselves stuck reliving moments from their past.

It is for those who have days, weeks or months when sadness takes over and getting through each hour feels challenging.

It is for those who can’t imagine life getting better as the world gets worse.

It is for people who feel dumped on or knocked off track.

It is for all of us who face tragedy and difficulty and feel weighed down.

It is also for the friends, partners and family members who care about the people described above.

So if you're holding heavy stuff or are supporting someone holding heavy stuff, I wrote this for you, and I hope you will find something useful in the pages ahead.

Ben's book is now available at Wellington City Libraries:

Holding the Heavy Stuff : making space for critical thoughts and painful emotions by Ben Sedley, 2025

Ben has also written two other books for younger audiences:

Stuff that's loud : a teen's guide to unspiralling when OCD gets noisy by Ben Sedley, 2020. Also available as an ebook

Stuff that sucks : accepting what you can't change and committing to what you can by Ben Sedley, 2015. Also available as an ebook