Folks! Friends! Fellow humans living on this nice crispy earth! 

The year is 2023. The global is warming, the 1 are %ing and things are looking iffy… Enter the Soft Apocalypse! It’s time for us to give capitalism the finger, and return to our humble roots as a pastoral society that bakes bread and sings Kumbaya way too often. AKA my escapist daydream when the Stresses of Life get a bit too much (my Soft Apocalypse plan includes joining a commune and ✨building a shrine to Hozier✨).

Welcome to Soft Apocalypse for Beginners, where we will be embarking on a journey of Learning to Look After Ourselves Even if the World is Ending (and saving the bees while we’re at it)!

When I was 6 years old, I went out into my friend’s garden and ate so much grass that I threw up in my friend’s mum’s laundry basket. It was something of a faux pas, but it was the beginning of a new-found appreciation for edible gardening. This is an appreciation that manifests today as a semi-feral strawberry patch in the backyard of my flat, and one rather sad looking lemon tree. So here we are, determined to do better, and keen to know more about gardening for people who only give half a fig, and whose thumbs are distinctly un-green.

via GIPHY

Fun Fact: The Texas Blind Snake looks like a worm, but it has a tiny mouth with which to extol the virtues of container gardening.

When the Texas Blind Snake speaks, we must listen, so let’s have a chat about container gardening! Container gardening can be as big or small, as cheap or expenny, as aesthetic or unaesthetic as you like, which makes it a perfect starting point for our pre-apocalypse DIY smallholdings. A quick google reveals that people can get pretty ambitious with their container-grown goods, but we’re going to be starting off ✨nice ‘n’ easy✨ with some of the basics:

Lettuce: It’s big! It’s leafy! It tastes like crunchy water!

• Here’s what you need: Lettuce seedlings, a container (between 5-8 inches deep), potting soil, water, and a handful of gravel or pebbles.
• Here’s what you need to know: Lettuce needs 4-6 hours of sunlight every day, so look for a sunny windowsill or porch. Water every day or so (lettuce is a bit of thirsty boy and likes soil that it constantly damp, but not soggy). Lettuce seedlings take 40-50 days to reach maturity. When harvesting your lettuce, carefully snip off the outer leaves.
• Here’s what you need to do: Put the gravel/pebbles at the bottom of your container (this will allow water to drain through the soil to avoid root rot). Half-fill the container with potting mix, and make a bit of a well for your little seedling. Separate out your lettuce seedlings, and sit it down gently in the well before adding enough potting soil to cover the roots and reach just past the base of the plant. Lightly pat down the soil, gently water the seedling, and give it a nice little kiss to help it settle in.

Tomato: A very nice addition to our Evil Pasta – see Soft Apocalypse for Beginners: Cooking the Books (but make it literal) – and an excellent fruit/veg for throwing at disreputable politicians.

• Here’s what you need: Tomato seedlings (Glacier, Tiny Tim, Maglia Rosa, and Italian Roma are great options for potted gardening), a bucket or similarly large container, potting soil, water, mulch (straw, bark, or shredded leaves), and a handful of gravel or pebbles.
• Here’s what you need to know: Tomato plants need 6-8 hours of sunlight per day, and grow best if kept between 10-32°C. They are also thirsty boys who require daily watering, sometimes twice a day if the weather is particularly hot (watering early in the morning or later in the evening is best for your plant). Most tomato plants should begin producing fruit after 60-100 days.
• Here’s what you need to do: Spread a layer of gravel or similar at the bottom of the container (for drainage!), then top with a hefty layer of potting soil. Make a well in the soil, remove the bottom few leaves from your tomato seedling, and bury it so that the roots and first inch or two of stem are under the soil (roots will grow along the buried stem). Pat the earth down gently to tuck in your new tomato child, give it a bit of a water to welcome it into it’s new home, and top off the soil with a nice inch of mulch. At this point, you might also like to create a support structure for your tomato, such as a cage or a few sticks/garden stakes tied together in a tripod.

Basil: Another friend to pastas everywhere, basil makes the cut here because it’s so darn nice to have fresh basil leaves on a homemade pizza or spaghetti bolognese. Plus it’s fun to add Flavour Leaves to things. Makes me feel like a witch.

• Here’s what you need: Basil seedlings or seeds, a container (any ol’ size and type will do), potting soil, water, and a handful of gravel or pebbles.
• Here’s what you need to know: Basil plants need 6-8 hours of sunlight per day, and are best planted in mid-Spring. Again, basil needs to have regular sippy-sips of water, and prefers soil that is consistently damp but not soggy. Basil leaves are immediately ready for harvest, however be careful not to over-pick your plant. Basil plants are annuals, meaning they may last only a few months, however if you keep a supply of basil seeds handy then you can continue to sow and grow your basil container garden year-round.
• Here’s what you need to do: If growing your basil from seed, you’ll need to plant your seeds in a small container of potting mix, around 0.6cm under the soil. Keep the soil moist, and ideally at around a temperature of 21°C. The plants should germinate within 5-10 days, and can be carefully transplanted into larger containers when they have 3-4 sets of leaves. When planting your basil seedling into it’s home container, set up your drainage layer and potting soil, then make a little hole and bury your basil plant up to the base of the stem. You can plant multiple basil in one container, just make sure the plants are 6-8cm apart to allow airflow.

My strawberry patch before it went an eldritch kind of feral.

And there you have it! Our thumbs are slightly greener! To make them greener still (or to take a well-earned break from all your gardening), check out some of the Botanical Books from our collection below:

This poison heart / Bayron, Kalynn
“When Briseis’s aunt dies and wills her a dilapidated estate in rural New York, Bri and her parents leave Brooklyn behind for the summer. Hopefully there, surrounded by plants and flowers, Bri will finally learn to control her gift: the ability to grow plants from tiny seeds to rich blooms with a single touch. ” (Adapted from Catalogue)

Girls who green the world : thirty-four rebel women out to save our planet / Kapp, Diana
“A guidebook to the modern environmental movement featuring 34 inspiring women working to save our planet”– Provided by publisher.” (Catalogue)

The price guide to the occult / Walton, Leslye J.
“Sixteen-year-old Nor, who comes from a long line of witches, prefers to hide her ability to communicate with nature and lives in constant fear of the return of her abusive mother.” (Catalogue)

Small garden style : a design guide for outdoor rooms and containers / Eaton, Isa Hendry
“Petite gardens align with the movement to live smaller and create a life with less stuff and more room for living. But a more eco-friendly and efficient space doesn’t have to sacrifice style. However small your garden, Small Garden Style will transform it into a magical, modern outdoor oasis.” (Adapted from Catalogue)

Wild beauty / McLemore, Anna-Marie
“For nearly a century the Nomeolvides women have tended the grounds and lush estate gardens of La Pradera. They have a tragic legacy: if they fall in love too deeply, their lovers vanish. When a strange boy appears in the gardens, he is a mystery to Estrella and to her family, but he’s even more a mystery to himself. He knows nothing more about who he is or where he came from than his first name. As Estrella tries to help Fel piece together his unknown past, they uncover secrets as dangerous as they are magical.” (Catalogue)

Poison Ivy : cycle of life and death / Chu, Amy
“Life. Death. Poison Ivy has power over both. But can she keep her friends and hold down a regular job at the same time? As Dr. Pamela Isley, she joins the prestigious plant sciences department at Gotham Botanical Gardens, but things quickly get complicated when a fellow scientist is murdered and it looks like the work of Ivy. ” (Adapted from Catalogue)

Indoor edible garden / Allaway, Zia
“Describes methods for growing edible plants indoors, covering how to make the most of available light, instructions for growing specific plants, and productive and pleasing projects to brighten the home.” (Catalogue)

The Raven Boys / Stiefvater, Maggie
“Though she is from a family of clairvoyants, Blue Sargent’s only gift seems to be that she makes other people’s talents stronger, and when she meets Gansey, one of the Raven Boys from the expensive Aglionby Academy, she discovers that he has talents of his own–and that together their talents are a dangerous mix.” (Catalogue)

Wildblood : a novel / Blackwood, Lauren
“Kidnapped at six and sent to work at the Exotic Lands Touring Company as a Wildblood tour guide, eighteen-year-old Victoria takes on a dangerous expedition through the monster-filled Jamaican jungle to secure a better future and find where she truly belongs.” (Catalogue)

The secret garden : a graphic novel / Marsden, Mariah
“Ten-year-old Mary Lennox arrives at her uncle’s secluded estate on the Yorkshire moors with a scowl and a chip on her shoulder. But as she begins to explore her new home alongside ragtag companions – a cocky robin redbreast, a sour-faced gardener, and a boy who can talk to animals – Mary uncovers long-buried family secrets and learns that even the loneliest of hearts can grow roots in rocky soil.” (Adapted from Catalogue)

How to garden when you’re new to gardening
“How To Garden When You’re New To Gardening shows you the basics to get your green space under control and keep it that way. With the expertise of the RHS, this book gives simple step by step instructions, with clear images to help you build your dream garden, no matter the size and scale.” (Adapted from Catalogue)

How to garden
“A no-nonsense beginner’s guide to the must-know aspects of gardening from the RHS Tempted to have a go at gardening? Keen to grow your own veg or tame an out-of-control border? This no-nonsense practical manual, packed with clear advice and photos on the essentials, shows you where to start and how to progress.” (Adapted from Catalogue)

The sprite and the gardener / Abrego, Rii
“Long, long ago, sprites were the caretakers of gardens. Every flower was grown by their hand. But when humans appeared and began growing their own gardens, the sprites’ magical talents soon became a thing of the past. When Wisteria, an ambitious, kind-hearted sprite, starts to ask questions about the way things used to be, she’ll begin to unearth her long-lost talent of gardening.” (Adapted from Catalogue)