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Badly Drawn Turtle

Sorry it's been so long since my last update. I have been on tour with my modern dancing troupe, Athletic Feet. And with some success, too!

Three letters have flooded our mailbox. Two are a plea for help; and the other is a glowing fan letter, representing, no doubt, what the three readers of this site are thinking.
Dear BDT, I have a friend, and this friend has a BO problem. I was wondering as you no doubt have issues with odour yourself, or at least with remaining fish-smell free what my friend should do. Yours Sincerely S. Melly.
Dear S. Melly,
My issues with smell are negligible, as I have never especially enjoyed fish. I personally favour a simple faux-filet au poivre, a dish that doesn't encourage unpleasant smells. I myself have friends acquaintances who smell - Badly Drawn Skunk and Poorly Rendered Musk Ox, for instance - and I enjoy talking to them over the phone. Just don't get Poorly Rendered Musk Ox started on politics! My goodness.

I hope this helped, S. Melly!

Dear BDT,
I'm a painfully shy youngster, you could say I'm stuck in my shell. There's a hot young turtle who's just started at our school, and I really like him but he's so outgoing, I mean I've never seen him inside his shell! Anyway I don't know what to do, I really like him. How can I get his attention without looking desperate?
Help Please
Dateless of the North Atlantic.
Well, Dateless, he does sound fabulous. Why are you so shy? When you're older you will look back at school with stark indifference. Seize the moment, I say. The worst thing that can happen is a few years of derision from everyone you know.

Hope this helps!

And finally; a letter of praise has poured into my inbox.

Dear BDT,
One hates to gush, but your page is simply the most spectular thing on the whole web. Thanks to you those of us of the reptilian persuasion have someone in the public eye we can not only relate to, but revere. You've given a voice to those of us who prefer literature to flies and I salute you BDT!
Signed
A Fan
I salute you too! Ironically, no mention of literature is this week's month's season's BDT, but there you have it.

The stars are, er, reluctant to move and are in no hurry to alter your lives. Until now, that is! Yes. Now, after the Christmas and New Year holidays they have finally changed, meaning that these horoscopes can change as well. How mysterious are the stars.

Aries - A surprise awaits you at the cattle yards. Your lucky fabric is corduroy.

Leo - Jupiter's orbit passes through Neptune's nadir, forcing Sagittarius into conflict with Betelgeuse. Enceladus, a moon of Saturn, will command the attention of Pluto as a consequence; and we all know what this means.

Sagittarius - You will read a fabricated horoscope. Is it meant to be funny? Your advanced sense of humour suggests that it is deadly serious. Your lucky appliance is the toaster.

Gemini - Of all the things that could happen this month, not being a Pisces will strike you as being the most regrettable.

Libra - The perm isn't so bad, but frosted highlights? Your lucky meat is chicken.

Aquarius - Your mystic stone for this month is granite. Surprise people with a hearty handshake and exaggerated joviality; they will thank you for it.

Taurus - Hipster jeans may only suit 2% of the of the population, but don't let that bother you. Lucky food? The muffin.

Virgo - You find that eye of newt is more effective than wing of bat. You encounter a Highland king on the heath when the hurly-burly's done - though you thought you might. Your lucky colour is black.

Capricorn - You will be alarmed to discover that he was a mannequin all along.

Cancer - Don't confuse your profound sense of entitlement and self-importance with healthy self-esteem. Just don't, alright? Your lucky thing is the whatsit.

Scorpio - Nothing to tell you, really.

Pisces - You will be constantly reminded to make up divine horoscopes for a website and repeatedly fail to do so until four months after the fact. Your lucky hue is mauve.

For recent horoscopes go to older Badly Drawn Turtle

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