This month's horoscopes have proven a challenge. The stars and the planets are all over the place, and I have spent hours plotting their orbits and their fields of influence. From the comfort of my chaise longue I finally pinned down the heavens for the benefit of my two readers.
Aries - A new moon appears around Uranus and, obviously, this marks a transition in your style. Goth? Punk? Whatever is cheapest, since you will spend most of the month flat broke.
Leo - As Saturn passes through the heavens, so will you pass through a wilderness. A jungle, perhaps, or a kind of forest. The stars are unclear; but be wary of pitfalls and a short people wielding umbrellas.
Sagittarius - Venus probably exerts an extraordinary power this month, Sagittarians, and romance may or may not be in the air. If you are lucky you will meet your soul-mate, who will be someone you have known for some time or someone you have just met. Failing that, nothing interesting will happen.
Gemini - Of all the things that could happen this month, not being a Libra will strike you as being the most regrettable.
Libra - Don't forget; it's hard to say sorry. Your lucky mammal is the Irish stoat.
Aquarius - If you've ever wondered why bad things happen to good people, wonder no more; this month will provide you with an explicit - and rather sudden - answer. Your lucky numbers are 5, 8, and 412.
Taurus - All kinds of stuff will happen this month. The stars have told me, so it must be true. Thursdays will be especially fortunate. Your lucky colour is beige.
Virgo - You will make a lot of people happy this month. Who knew comedy was one of your strengths? Just keep telling yourself that they're laughing with you.
Capricorn - Mars is up to its usual tricks. The 15th of the month will be an important day for golfers and asthmatics. Purchasing a lottery ticket will result in an instant transaction of money.
Cancer - What were you thinking? You won't get your money back, and one of your friends will rather unkindly lend you What Not to Wear.
Scorpio - You will delight in talking in 1920s slang. Splendid! I say, so much so, in fact, that you really will be terribly irritating to those close to you. Isn't it too divine?! Now see here - that's just too dull of them, darling. Simply a bogus shame!
Pisces - Familiarity breeds contempt, and your month will be cliché-ridden. It's a rough ride but just hang on in there and you will pull through; remember,worse things happen at sea. Knock on wood and you'll be sweet.
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